A great day…

Waking up to a painful headache and clustered eyes from getting three hours sleep the night before. What a great start to my day.

Struggling with trying to quit smoking, I waited out for as long as I could until I had my first and second last smoke of the day. Mum left to go shopping and didn’t bother to ask if I wanted to help her.

My dad and sister at school and work, I was left alone at home, like usual. Whether my dad was really at work, my mum really out shopping and my sister really at school, I was left alone to surround myself in dark thoughts and twisted urges.

With a scorching headache, I get breakfast, eat and then scrub the dishes squeaky clean. I contemplate watching some YouTube or trying to take a nap. But I end up watching some YouTube.

After three hours mum returns home with little shopping, but I don’t question here whereabouts. I go grab some vegetables and salad materials to make  tuna salad. Mum leaves me inside the house, alone to keep myself company.

I eat and search my social medias. As a result of getting less then three hours sleep the night before, I fall asleep. My mum wakes me up angrily three times. One to give me a nail file that came in the mail, one to say how she’s disappointed in me for sleeping all day and how I need to wake up immediately and lastly to tell me she was going out again.

Left alone once again. I get some weird feeling wash over me. Anger? Abandonment? Upset? I don’t know, but I felt really unloved and worthless. It was like I couldn’t control how many hours I slept. I couldn’t control how I was lying in bed all day, useless. I couldn’t control my emotions. And I still couldn’t get rid of that painful lingering headache.

I go outside to relieve my stress and overwhelming  feelings, with my lucky last smoke of the day. I sit on the outside couch and just think. I have thoughts of suicide, worthlessness, loneliness, emptiness and how unhappy I really am. I begin to have a sudden overwhelming emotion of angry, that soon turns into unwanted emotions like loneliness and self-hatred. I sit with the feelings until I go inside to watch something to keep my mind distracted.

Soon my mum and sister are home. To who knows where they’ve really been. I find myself getting food. Now mind you I have an uncontrollable eating habit at the moment and I hate eating, but my body almost feels as though it forces myself to eat, constantly. So I fix myself up with some original crackers and yummy hommus dip.

Returning to my bedroom to snack and watch some more videos, my mum walks in. Her facial expression says it all, along with her comment, “Oh so you’re eating again.” Meanwhile, holding a long glancing stare at me. I stop eating and nod, until she exits my room, before I continue to binge.

After a few hours, my close best friend comes over. My mum and sister are outside when she arrives and I’m indoors watching a movie. To my surprise, no one comes in to tell me she is here. But in saying that, I didn’t feel at all motivated to go and see her when I heard her after pausing my movie to someone laughing.

Yet, just because my mum is annoyed at me more today, than yesterday, doesn’t mean she can’t come inside and let me know my friend is here. I walk outside to say hello, but my brain is telling me to go back inside. (social anxiety problems.) I barely talk as I really am not in the mood for people today. Still suffering from a headache and twisted thoughts, I try and sit with myself.

Soon after sitting there for a few long minutes, my friend asks myself and my sister a question about her father. I don’t respond, but my sister does and then I politely give my answer, the same as my sisters response, yet I am not offered the same thing. Sitting there, us three, my friend seems to be getting along with my sister more then me. That’s okay and all, but why can’t she acknowledge me, just as much as she is doing for my sister. I mean she is my best friend after all, so why am I not being treated with inclusion and yet my sister is?

What have I done wrong? Have I done something wrong? Why does she hate me? A battle field of questions go through my head as I sit there while my sister and my friend make conversation about going on a walk. My friend clearly asks a directed question to my sister,

“Hey, ____ would you want to go for a walk with me?”

Without hesitation my sister replies with a confident yes, while I’m sitting there waiting to be invited as well, the question never appears. My sister goes off to let mum know where she is going, while my friend waiting on the drive way.

I was not invited to go, so I clearly I was not welcomed. I say goodbye, as I watch my sister and my best friend leave. No invite to go. Nothing to say, “oh maddy, do you want to come, or oh maddy come for a walk, you’re invited too.” Nothing.

Why was I not asked to go? What did I do to deserve this exclusion? Was it my mood? Was I being silence? Am I not liked anymore? What? Why?

As if a day couldn’t possibly get any better. Here I am complaining about an emotion of a horrible day an exclusion, while there are much more worse problems out there in the world. Forgive me for being so selfish and inconsiderate.

-Maddi xox

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